Open Your Heart>>>

Open your heart, He said.
Follow Me, He said.
Let Me be the one that guides.
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If you had asked me when I was days from turning 30, if I would have two young boys, be 30-weeks pregnant and caring for a newborn; all at the same time; I wouldn't have believed you. I wouldn't have thought I could handle it.

Truth. I can't handle it.
Truth. He can sustain, and He has got this.

If you had asked me even just a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have expected this. But, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine" (Isaish 55:8).

These ten tiny toes have altered my heart in ways that I never would have known. They have transformed our family, and taught us how to love in a new way.  This sweet little girl has forever changed us.

We don't know how long she will be a part of our family, but we have been, and are so thankful for the time we have had with her. 

She is a blessing. 
She is wanted. 
She is loved.

An Answer.

Truth.
Truth, today has been an emotional day.
Truth, God is still good.
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When you're walking through the adoption process, your heart is being stretched. Each step, each family's experience, is completely different, and yet so beautifully similar.  See adoptive families choose love. They are making the choice to love children that haven't experinced, or need to learn again what love is. "Every adoption is a miracle. After all, it is God working things out so that a hurting orphan finds his or her way into a family with open arms. It is the building of families in a way that allows God's plans to play out in a very real way" (A Treasury of Adoption Miracles).
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Every adoption is a miracle.

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This last week we asked you to pray. To pray a simple prayer. We prayed too. God answered; although He didn't answer perhaps in the way our hearts were hoping. Today we learned that a little girl will be placed in her forever home, just that, that home is not ours. Forever. We learned today that two twin boys will be going home to live with their older siblings, who have been previsouly adopted. They will be in a new forever home, but will grow up with some of their siblings. Forever.

That's beautiful.

That hurts.

But, that's God's plan.

We can totally see that. Although our hearts and home were ready and waiting for a, "You have been chosen," we believe that God answered our prayers, and the prayers of so many of you. 

These children are going home. 

Home. 

They are too young to comprehend their loss, but they will grow to learn all that they are gaining: security, love, family, siblings and hope. Because some couples chose to love, these little ones will now know what love is for the rest of their lives. So thankful for that.

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They are too young to comprehend their loss, 
but they will grow to learn all that they are gaining...
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After sharing this news with our parents, my dad reminded me that, "...you WERE selected twice before..." So amazengly true. Our hearts are waiting to welcome new children, but we are ever thankful for the sweet blessings of our children we get to shower with love each day. Our boys have taught us what it means to love, reguardless of how we feel physically or emotionally. We were chosen to be their parents, and for that we are so grateful. 

Truth. 

Truth, today has been an emotional day.
Truth, God is still good.

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A Treasury of Adoption Miracles by Karen Kingsbury

join in simple prayer >>>

"Not much happens in three years, and then I'm calling you a couple times in one week..."

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Those were the words our case worker spoke this last week over the phone. These could be potentially life changing words. Amazing words.

You see this last week, we have felt, and witnessed the power of prayer. Just a couple weeks ago we had recieved an email that made adoption seem like a dream that would have to wait for awhile. We started to pray, "God, Please move in a mighty way. Make something happen, so we know You are in this." He has done that. Within days of writing and praying about our situtation, and where our hearts were, crazy things have taken place. 

Crazy to us that is.

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"The fewer words, the better prayer." -Martin Luther

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Prayer is powerful. Prayer is mighty even when we don't really know what to pray. After getting off the phone, all my mind and heart could pray was, "Dear God, Ok You have got this. Help."

That simple prayer has been re-prayed over and over since then. And I am totally okay with that, beause I know that it's good enough. 

Help. Help us make the choices we need to this next week. Help by praying.

Although we can't share those choices that are pending right now, we ask that you would join us in simple prayer. We are confident that God is moving in a powerful and mighty way. He is bringing beauty out of broken lives, and we get to witness it firsthand reguardless of the outcome. 

Little kiddo's storys' are moving forward; and for that we are so thankful.

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"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Philippians 4:6-7

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Surrender. Let Go. Be Held.

Surrender.
Let Go.
Be Held.
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Have you ever gotten one of those emails? You know the ones that once you finish reading, your mind is blank, and all there is, is a giant question mark. We recieved one of those a couple weeks ago.

"...traditional adoption thought is that it's not best practice to place children for adoption in families with children close in age...I believe you have a lot to offer a child..."

?

There it was in black and white. Something we'd actually already been wondering about. Were we not being concidered because we already had children? Yes. My heart already knew that was the answer from some comments we'd heard previously, but to see it written was a shock. Our two sweet boys have walked this adoption journey the past two years with us. They haven't been a hidden part of our family, and they are valued members. Shock.

Then it hit me. This was not a shock to the Lord. The Daddy of all orphans, mommy's and daddy's; the Lord that is in control of each step that we take, He knew; He knows.

Surrender. Let Go. Be Held.

Those were the immediate words that flooded my mind; surrender, let go and be held. Even as the tears flowed, this adoption journey has not ever been ours, but always been His. This journey has been one that we have the privilege of riding because we said, and are still continuting to say yes.
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"...this adoption journey has not ever neen ours, 
but always been His..."
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So, then the question of, "What now?" of course came.

Here is what we do know...

* "Rest in the Lord, wait PATIENTLY for Him..." Psalm 37:7
* He is a God, larger than these held onto beliefs, so we are keeping the door open to adopt through DHS.
* Truth: Private adoption is expensive. Even for local, domestic adoption it's around $24,000 give or take.
* He is a God, larger than money, larger than cost.

After thinking thought those things, and resting in the truth, we are, once again, stepping out in faith. Last week, we opened a savings account titled: Adoption

Money was deposited, and will continue to be placed into that account, specifically, and only for adopting our future son or daughter. This is an account that we believe God will use to glorify Him through bringing an adopted child into our home, family and arms. There is no specific timeline, there never really has been one, but some new steps have been taken. No doors have been shut, but perhaps a new one has been opened. Perhaps, it will be the door that we've been waiting for, the one that will help us continue our adoption journey as a family.

Surrendering all; all for His glory.

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"...we are, once again, stepping out in faith..."
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Face-to-Face with Grace.

There seem to be countless moments in each day that you have the choice to shower someone with grace, or cover them with pain. Many of these moments are small and fleeting, but some, depending on your choice, may have a lifelong impact.  The thing is, this impact can be negative, but it can also be overwhelmingly, and powerfully positive.

Young lives are shaped by the grace that's shown them. They watch how the adults in their lives react towards each other. They learn how they should respond; even when the learned responses are wrong. The thing is adults make mistakes. The problem comes, when those mistakes effect the people around them. For thousands of innocent children, their lives will forever be changed due to the choices made by the very parents that were suppose to love them.

This is the hard reality when it comes to foster care and adoption. In order for a child to be removed from their birthparents, somewhere pain had to happen. Somehow, that child's view of grace was shattered or skewed. They've had to learn how to survive. In some cases, that can result in seeking love from anyone, while in other instances, it means a complete blocking of letting people in.

There is hope. True grace, God's grace, is mightier than sin, it's stronger than any pain. It doesn't erase it, but it covers it; it can make someone new. I've seen it happen. It is amazing. See, true grace can be played out in people.

People can display grace to others. 

I saw this in the life of three year old Katie*. Sweet Katie was placed into a foster home. Her mommy and daddy weren't there, and now there were these new people. These people whispered in her ear that she's be safe, that they would be there always. But, even at the young age of three, Katie had already put up walls to protect herself. Those sweet words, were just words, and needed to be backed up with actions. I'm sure she must of had thoughts about if they would still be there if she misbehaved. Would they still say they loved her if she threw her food or wet the bed? Would they rock her to sleep, and hold her gently, or would she have to be so careful and quiet so no physical pain would come to her?

I met Katie at a Foster Parent Night Out, after she was placed in this new foster home. This home that would love her reguardless of her faults. That would teach her, and shower her with grace. That would attempt to break down those walls she had needed to construct, and show her unconditional God's love. Over the months, I watched as this quiet little girl learned to trust. She began to make eye contact; she began to smile.

On our final evening of the year, she was sitting on my lap, with her big brown eyes staring into mine. She grabbed my hand, smiled and just held on. As I looked into her eyes, I realized that I was face-to-face with grace. It had been played out right in front of me:

 "And after you have suffered a little while, 

the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, 

will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

1 Peter 5:10

Restore. Confirm. Strengthen. Establish.

These are the steps that this foster family took. These are the steps that freed this little girl, and prepared her to trust again. These are the steps that transformed her into a different little girl, a little girl who won't stop talking, who smiles and who loves. These are the steps that will now help her to transition from being this family's foster daughter, to someone's adopted daughter. 

Grace.

...

So thankful for this lesson I learned. I already am thoughtfully practing showing grace to my own children, and look forward to the day that we can shower this same grace and love on the child we adopt. 

*Her name was changed to protect her.

Happy FIRST Blake!

Blake Denver - ONE YEAR OLD

One year ago Jason and my hearts were stolen by a tiny little man,
who has grown into such a sweet, smiley and happy little boy.
It is impossible to imagine life without him in it.
The moment he was placed in my arms I was in love.
It has been such a wonderful year, and we feel blessed each day to get to be Blake's mom and dad.
So thankful for his happy smiles and all that he is learning.

• He is ONE YEAR OLD! Amazing.
• He is now over 22lbs...we will know more exact after his 12 month doctor appointment.
• He has TWO teeth now; both on the bottom...so cute! He is working on the top ones now.
• He has many new tricks like: pointing his finger when asked, "How old are you?", raising his arms when asked, "How big is Blake?", learned the sign for "more"...used when he wants food ;) and dances to music.
• His favorite toys this month: WHEELS! Anything from cars to the vacuum cleaner, his music toys and the cats... ;)
• His NEW foods tried this month: TONS of "real" people food like pears, lunch meat, bread and jelly and lasagna. :) All hits!
• He is loving practicing walking...he smiles the whole time, unless he falls down.
• He "dances" to music when it comes on all on his own...even has started "singing" along.
• He LOVES the pool...whether that's his little backyard pool or the pool at swim lessons...water baby.
• He rode on the back of a bike with mom for the first time, and loved it!
• He celebrated father's day...so thankful for his daddy and the wonderful grandpas and great-grandpas in Blake's life. :) 
• He has learned how to go from laying down to sitting up all on his own...and pulls up, but only when he wants to, which is often times in the bathtub...
• He discovered the stairs...only went up a couple...and may have gone down a couple too...
• He celebrated his dad completing his Master's in Special Education. YEAH!
• He is starting to feed himself with a fork...he was very proud of himself with that feat.
• He had his first official swim lesson...and LOVED it! Went underwater and everything! :)

Playing at Riverfront Park.

Clapping for silly daddy :)

"DaDa"

Loving on his "Mama."

Blake's Angel Buddy

Friends are something that once you find them you don't ever want to let them go. They help you when you are struggling, and are there to cheer you on when things are going good. Sometimes we meet them when we are very young, or we meet later in life. No matter when the moment happens; that friend is something so precious.

Blake, Jason and I, along with many others were expectantly awaiting the arrival of Blake’s ‘Little Buddy.’ Our friend’s Tim and Michelle were anticipating welcoming their own son this month. Michelle and I had had many conversations about watching our boys grow up together, about watching them go from baby buddies to friends.

On Sunday, the Lord determined that this sweet little boy was going to open his eyes in heaven. Blake’s sweet friend-to-be is playing with the angels. Little Ezra James was born, although he was already welcomed into God’s loving arms, Sunday, October 14^th 2012 and weighed  7lbs. 15oz. and was 21 in. long. Michelle and I decided we know who the “little” buddy actually would have been. 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

My heart hurts for the plans that I had made for that boy, and the dreams that I know his parents had for him. But, God had and has greater plans. I am confident that the Lord has a plan in this; which has been seen with the amount of lives Ezra has changed already. I am confident that the Lord did not make a mistake; His ways are not my ways. His ways are good; His ways are just; clinging to that promise. I am blessed by his mercy shown to Tim and Michelle even through this time. Thankful for the strength and peace that can only come from above.

Dear Blake,

Ezra is still your little buddy my love. 

Just last week mommy and you felt him move in his mommy’s tummy 

and the four of us had our picture taken together; the first of many. 

But, now your little buddy is watching out for you in heaven. 

He is waiting to meet you, to play with you one day for all eternity, how amazing is that? 

He never knew the sadness we are feeling right now, 

he only knows what it is like to walk and learn from Jesus. 

I just pray you would get to enjoy this life my sweet baby boy, 

but with a yearning for your perfect home yet to come. 

I pray that you would come to love the Lord 

as much as your mommy and daddy do.

Your little angel buddy, Ezra, will always be carried in our hearts.

Love, Mommy

Baby Boy

I can't believe how fast time has gone! This was taken on our girls weekend that a group of my friends and I took to Tollgate, OR (right outside of Sisters).  I am feeling really good still, and have managed to keep up with all of my many activities like teaching, working out, youth group, teaching swim lessons, etc.  The little kids at swim lesson crack me up because they are constantly asking about the baby and what he is doing.  There is one little girl that has asked me each week since December if my baby is coming. :)  I also had a very sweet special ed boy at school amazed that my baby was alive inside of me and that he had the hiccups just like he gets sometimes. Very sweet :)

Our doctor visits are getting closer together now, and that makes it seem all the more real.  A couple weeks ago Jason and I took the birthing class at the hospital, and I think that made us both feel a lot more confident about what's to come.  We both learned a lot, and got some great tips that I'm sure come the day this little guys makes his appearance will go right out of our heads.  I am thinking I may be spending some time...that is if we have the time...in the jetted tubs that each birthing room has at the Salem Hospital :)

Thankful for feeling and seeing all his movements.  We are pretty sure we have seen his little feet pushing out, and I most definitely have felt his head and bottom sticking out. :) He gets the hiccups at least twice a day, and seems to be somewhat on a sleep schedule, waking up around 10:00pm each night. We love him a lot, and are looking forward to meeting him.

Working on the baby's room...stripes that worked AMAZING!!! Excited to see it all coming together.

Gender Reveal Party

Since Jason and I didn't get to tell our parents in a creative way that we were expecting, we thought it would be fun to combine my 25th birthday party with revealing our baby's gender. We found out on February 20th and had to keep the secret until February 23rd...which was a lot harder than we thought, but so worth it.

Julie (Jason's mom), Carrie and Cayden (our baby's cousin)

From the top: Aunt Nancy, Val (mom), Aunt Pat, Aunt Sue and Grandma

Sisters

 I got together pink and blue decorations, pictures from when Jason and I were babies, 

and some foods that I had been craving lately:

We had our guests vote if they thought the baby was a boy or a girl:

To reveal the gender of our little one, I had a cake made at a local bakery.  

We told our guests that the inside of the cake would either be pink or blue...

Here is the video of the cutting :)

We are having a little boy!!! He is growing and moving all right on track, which we couldn't be more thankful for. It was so much fun to surprise our family, and make it an even more exciting birthday. His little kicks are being felt all the time now, and Jason and I even watched my tummy move when he was being really active.  That is such an amazing feeling; one that I have pictured for so long, but never could have expected it to be so wonderful. This mama and daddy are feeling VERY thankful and very blessed...looking forward to meeting the newest member of our family come July! :)

Best Present Ever!

Sweet Blessing.

Baby Bernard: February 20, 2012 (19 weeks 2 days)

On Monday morning we got to have our hour long ultrasound; our little baby is healthy and growing right on track. The ultrasound literally took my breath away.  For the entire hour Jason and I were glued to the screen, watching our now "big" baby move and wiggle around.  I could not stop smiling the entire time.

The first thing we saw was the spine; every single bone exactly where it should be. Jason and I were speechless as the doctor showed us each bone in the baby's body.  We saw the four chambers of the heart, and the heartbeat was strong at about 150 bpm.  What amazed me the most was when we saw the little hands opening and closing.  All the bones are there; every little bone working just like mine are now! God is amazing to be growing this sweet little one inside me.

When it came to trying to get a profile shot of our baby, that took some doing.  I guess you could say our little one was being camera shy.  Each time the doctor would get close to getting a shot, the baby would snuggle its' face into my uterine wall.  I had to turn on my side, my stomach and walk around to try to get the baby to move. :) Needless to say, we got the shot at the very end of the appointment. From what I saw though, this baby has a silly personality, and this mama couldn't be more proud or excited to meet my little one.

After the appointment, Jason and I spent the afternoon floating around the Woodburn Outlets getting the baby its' first gender specific clothes bought by its' mommy and daddy.  Jason commented that now that we know what is baby 'is,' it makes it all the more real.  I couldn't agree more, I am so in love with my little stinker.

Also....the all important question about gender...we know 100% what we are having....the baby was not shy in that area.  We are waiting to announce the gender until Thursday, when we will be having a birthday party for me as well as revealing the gender of the baby. : ) I know that I am more excited about telling the whole world about our little one that celebrating my birthday.

This is the best gift I have ever gotten for my birthday....

a loving husband, and a healthy growing baby.

We couldn't be more thankful,

and more excited about what is to come this next year.

Love.

On Valentine's Day it is easy to remember that we are suppose to say, "I love you."

 What I think is important is saying those words everyday, but it is essential to mean them as well.  We all know what it is like hear the words, "I love you," but have it feel empty and untrue.

As an "almost" mommy, above all that I do, I want my children to know that I love their father and that I love them so much.  I want them to know each night they go to sleep that no matter what took place during the day, no matter the choices they made or how others may see them, that I love them unconditionally.

Love is something that I think those that have it can easily take for granted, and those that don't wish for more than anything.  I want the people that I come into contact with; my students, my family and my friends to know that I love and care about them.  I am so thankful for the many people in my own life that have shown me love.  They didn't stop loving me because of things I did, or who I was, but they loved me for me.

"I love you," powerful words that I hope everyone can have someone say to them, and know they mean it.

Third Anniversary

Today, May 17, is Jason and my third wedding anniversary. :)

It is amazing to think that it has already been that long.

Three years ago, I was so in love with my best friend,

and I am blessed to say that I love him more today than

the day that I married him.

It was the perfect wedding day.  It was over 100 degrees

outside, which allowed for wonderful pictures, but the 

best part was being surrounded by our family and friends.

This last year has been yet another year with many ups

and downs, but I wouldn't want to wade through it all

without my number one fan, and person I can lean on.

I love you Jason, and can't wait to see what this next year 

will bring for us!  Happy Anniversary!

San Juan Camping

We had our first official camping trip just the two of us. :) It was a trip that's for sure...
It all started off with us driving up to take the ferry to the San Juan Islands in Washington. It all started off perfectly. We got on the road around 8:30am and made our way in good time. Suddenly...about 45 minutes from the ferry we were trying to catch when our car lurched on the freeway. We pulled off at a family owned car shop and they let us know there was something wrong with our transmission... So...we drove to the nearest Ford dealership where they informed us that a part of our transmission was broken and needed to be fixed immediately. The only problem was that that part was back down in Portland and wouldn't be able to be fixed until Tuesday (that would be the end of our vacation). Needless to say Jason and my spirits were crushed. We didn't think we were going to make it to the San Juans. Thankfully they informed us that we could leave our car with them until it could be fixed, and that it would be paid for under warranty. :) We then rented a car and made it to the ferry that left at 8:30pm!!We set our tent up in the dark and 10:30pm and slept so good that night...
The rest of our trip was amazing! :) We camped on Orcas Island, but we also spent time exploring Friday Harbor and Lopez Island. We went on a hike on Orcas Island to a beautiful forested waterfall:We spent lots of relaxing time around the campfire...getting to talk about life, dream about the future and have so many laughs. There is something about being in the outdoors that makes you just relax and be completely yourself; and what better person to do that with than your husband. :)We went to Friday Harbor one day and explored the many shops and looked at the countless boats docked at the harbor...Then we played some disc golf...pretty sure that was Jason's favorite part of the whole trip ;) He is pretty talented I must say...I was his disc spotter...much needed considering half the holes were in the woods:It was the perfect vacation with my best friend/husband :) So many great talks and funny memories. San Juan Vacation...check! :)