Mom Fail.

Sometimes as moms we fail. It's not that we want to get it wrong, but we do. Parts of today felt like one of those days. I so want to help my sweet little man to learn and grow, but might have pushed it too far...

*  *  *

You see, Blake doesn't walk yet, and I am pretty sure that it's not that he can't walk, it is that he is just choosing not too. I am totally fine with this, and it really doesn't surprise me all that much considering that's been his personality his entire life. That beings said, I have been providing Blake with ample opportunities to learn and grow his "walking" skills.

Lately I have felt like we were getting closer, and make big strides in moving in a vertical manner. Blake enjoys walking holding onto one finger, and he also enjoys climbing the couch. Brilliantly I thought, "Let's combine the two, and see if he will walk from us to the couch." HE TOOK FOUR STEPS ON HIS OWN TO THE COUCH. My celebration should have stayed there, I should have accepted those amazing four steps and been good, but I wasn't satisfied.

*  *  *

I scooted back another couple feet, and helped Blake's momentum move forward. Blake's sweet toothy smile went forward, but I failed to calculate the fact that his head balance is still not so great...His sweet excited face rammed into the base of the couch. As if his stunned, silent screams weren't enough, his tiny nose started to bleed. My heart broke as he struggled to breathe through his tears.

I know that I didn't do it to him. I know also that I could not have predicted that would happen, but the guilt had already set in. The thing is, Blake didn't hold a grudge. In fact although I was the one that had set him up to ultimately get hurt, I was the one person that he wanted for comfort. He climbed up in my arms, and let me rock him until his tears and cries stopped. 

*  *  *

As his body relaxed, I realized that sometimes Blake is going to fall and get hurt, but that I will be the one that he turns to as long as I am there to help him pick up the pieces. I also learned that when he is hurting, he isn't the only one that does, I do too. This mommy lesson was one that I wish I didn't have to learn. Poor little Blake now has two lumps on his forehead (from previous accidents) and how a cut and swollen nose...learning new things is hard to do. Thankful that tomorrow is a new day, and that I can get a fresh start.

"Working Mama"

This last week Jason and I changed roles, to working mom and stay-at-home dad.  I will be honest, my mama heart was breaking Monday morning when I was awakened by an alarm instead of the cries of my son. I knew that my men were going to be fine, and that they were going to have a blast, but it was strange knowing that I wouldn't be a part of it.  Maybe that's what the struggle was...I didn't want to miss out.

I have been away from my baby before, but there is something different knowing that it is going to be for a few weeks and many days in a row. Granted there are thousands of moms that wake up each morning knowing they will be spending time at work, but for the past year my work has been snuggling, changing, feeding and playing with my gift, my son.

  

"...my work has been 

snuggling, changing, feeding and playing 

with my gift, my son."

As the week went on, I heard stories over the phone about walks to the park, trips to the library and wrestling at home. I realized that my husband was getting the chance to connect with our son in a way he wouldn't be able to do if I was there too. I realized that Blake was getting to learn new things that I wouldn't necessarily be able to teach him on my own. Wow. 

Thankful for a husband that want's to invest in his son's life, who wants to get down on the floor and 'baby-talk.' Their relationship is so precious, and so special. I can see the love in both their eyes when I catch them playing, or when Jason is reading Blake a bedtime story. Thankful for a short-term job for me, that's allowing me to re-awaken my passion for teaching. This 'working mama,' is surely blessed.

What a Day...

What a day...what a week...

It amazes me how sometimes the weeks can get so filled up with activities, events, meetings, work, etc. This week was one of those weeks, where it felt like Friday would never get here, and then when it did it was a crazy roller coaster ride that I wanted to get off of the moment it started.

With the sun making an appearance today, it seemed like the students at my school also decided to come out of hibernation and show their true colors.  I had kids fighting, cussing, throwing things, arguing, lying and stealing before school began to the bell ringing at the end of the day!  Needless to say, when the bell rang at the end of the day, and I had gotten the last of the kids out the door, I was ready for the weekend.

Some might wonder why someone would want to work with "those" kids or middle schoolers in general, but the truth is, they need adults in their life that care.  I love their energy, I love their excitement for life, and the passion they bring to the things that they love doing.  Sometimes it seems like they are trying to make you stop caring, but I love proving them wrong. 

Working with students and making an impact is why I went into teaching; and it is that passion that helps me get out of the bed in the morning.  The students at my school come from broken homes, many who come to school without having eaten breakfast, knowing that going into the weekend they won't have meals waiting for them at home.  Many of the kids family's are living on around $15,000 a year, with parents that didn't graduate from middle school. 

They are the success stories, even if that success doesn't show every day.

So for them I will not take my loving family, warm/safe home, home-cooked meals and sweet husband for granted.  If anything when I am at school I will create for them a place that they can know they are loved and cared for.  They may make it hard to like what they are doing, but their choices can't stop me from loving them.

{Baby Movement}

It seems like the time is flying by, 

and with each passing week 

lots of new changes are taking place in our family...

First off, last week I started to feel the baby move for the first time!  It has been fun to feel the light movements and flutters.  It was also amazing, because Monday night Jason felt the little flutters as well. It was so sweet to see his face light up with he felt the little kick for the first time.

We are moving along with the weeks, and are now approaching the 18th week.  I know all we both can think about is our upcoming ultrasound where we get to not only find out that our baby is growing strong, but also hopefully if we are having a boy or a girl.

We know the baby is growing, because all of a sudden I have a bump that is there all the time (not just after I eat); and people are starting to notice.  It has been really funny with my middle school students because they don't know if they should ask, but they also don't know how to hide that they are trying to figure out if I am pregnant.  I overheard this conversation between two 6th grade boys, "I noticed she's carrying a little lower.  I think that means that she is having a girl."  They are keeping me entertained that's for sure.

Beside baby news, we are also excited because Jason's half-time job has been extended to a full-time position; at least until early April.  He is still teaching special ed. in the mornings at Straub Middle School, but now he is teaching special ed. in the afternoons at the new elementary down the hill, Kalapuya Elementary. We are very thankful for the extra blessing, and even more thankful that he is getting to get some time teaching elementary, which he loves so much. Thankful, and also praying that it would extend into something a little more permanent.

New JOB!!

It is official...Jason officially has a teaching job!  It came completely out of the air, but what a great surprise it was.  I actually thought he was kidding when he told me since it was Saturday, and who gets a job offer on a Saturday?  Another reason it was so surprising is he hadn't interviewed for a teaching job since May...I think he made a pretty good impression. :) We had just got home from our co-ed softball tournament when Jason checked his messages. . .

He turned to me with tears in his eyes and said that he had been offered a job!  It is a part-time LRC teaching position (Learning Resource Center; special education).  He will actually be at the brand new middle school in West Salem, Straub Middle School. With special education there is always the possibility that it could become full-time, but as for now we are over the moon with what he has. 

Straub Middle School Under Contruction

Now he is officially in the Salem-Keizer School District in a permanent position, what a blessing.  So, if a full-time position opened he could just transfer.  Also, since he will be going to school until March to finish his special education teaching endorsement, part-time might be ideal.

Here is a link to pictures from the construction process: http://www.flickr.com//photos/salemkeizer/sets/72157626372612770/show/

It is amazing how my last post was about resting in the Lord...I honestly felt completely at peace about our whole job situation, and when we least expected an offer it came.  I am so proud of all the hard work Jason has done with school, work and guiding me in patience and waiting.  We are still praying that something will come for me, but as for now we are so grateful, thankful and excited about what this means for us and our future.

God is so good!

Last Day of School...of Claggett

5th/10th Period: English 7

Student's Notes to Me :)

These mean so much to me...

The reason why I teach...

Well, today was my last day of students at Claggett Creek...and my last full day there as a teacher.  It's amazing to think that this year went by so fast, and how much we were able to accomplish.  I know that my students learned a lot, but I also learned so much.  What a learning experience to come into a position at the beginning of November....to classes with no structure...no assignments...and then came me....someone who is a planner and likes to think of creative projects and assignments.  Needless to say, I think I was somewhat of a shock to my students at the beginning.

2nd/7th Period: Read 180

3rd/9th Period: English 7 (only half the class :)

Love spending time with this group :)

But we got used to each other, worked with each other, and by the end of the year it was hard to see them go.  I am so proud of all that they have accomplished and the strengths that they have been able to build upon.  As a teacher it would be easy to say you judge your success based on grades or test scores...which my students excelled :)...but for me how I judge my student's success on how they are doing compared to where they started, not just academically but personally.  Going on that criteria, this year was a landslide success. I am so proud of them, and know this year impacted their lives...which is why I love teaching in the first place.

Today is bittersweet though...as of now, I do not have a teaching job for the next school year, even though I am loved and appreciated my my administration and staff.  It makes it harder leaving for the summer knowing that once again my future is unknown.  I have learned so much, and have made some great friends in the teachers I had the privilege of working alongside.  We will see what the future brings...here are some pics of what we participated in after-school today :)

 

Claggett Creek Middle School: Mrs. Bernard 2010-2011 :)

New JOB!!!

I have a new job!  I was officially hired last week, and today was my third day of teaching at Claggett Creek Middle School in Keizer.  I am so thankful for this opportunity, and although the last week has been crazy busy, and everyday comes with new challenges, I am so thankful.  I am hired at this point up to winter break, with the possibility that the job could be extended to the end of the school year.  Only time will tell, but for right now, I am a TEACHER :).

Here is a picture of the school...if you look to the third story on the top far right side, that is my classroom. :)  I have been working during my prep and before and after-school getting the classroom to feel like my own.  The teacher that was in there left a little over a month ago, so the room was in chaos to say the least.  I was told to box up and remove anything that I wanted, and to think of the room as my own...so I have been, which I love :)  I redid the bulletin boards today (I put some pictures of my classroom below), and plan on organizing some more.  The learning curve has been pretty steep...conferences are in less than two weeks, so I have been attempting to get some grades for the students...it's a lot of work, but it is so comforting to know that I will be there tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after...

Board all about me :)

Room 300

Jason is also getting started on his new journey...this Wednesday he has his interview at Portland State University for the Special Education program.  If he gets in, he will start classes in January, and will complete the program the following summer.  It is a program designed for teachers that are working already to add the endorsement.  When he is done with the program he will only need a few more credit hours to complete his master's.

So excited to get out on the ice!

Serious.

Jason and I have also been busy helping out with the middle school youth group at our church this year.  We are working with students that go to Judson and Walker.  I am diffidently getting my fill of middle school :)  We call the small groups D-Teams ) devotional teams. My D-Team got to go to the pumpkin patch together.  They crack me up, and have such amazing hearts that desire to please and serve.  We also went "Broom-Balling" with the mid-high up in Portland on the ice!  That was a lot of fun...I was shocked that I didn't fall the whole time :)

Not serious.

Judson/Walker D-Team

Cuddle time :)

Needless to say, we are so thankful for where we are, and are looking forward to what is going to come in the future. :) 

Here Comes Fall

I can't believe that it is fall already! I really don't know where summer went. Lately Jason and I have been spending a lot of time with our friends and family, which is much needed. :) We are so thankful for the support and group of people that we have surrounded ourselves with. This is me with some of my best friends, Darcy and Lizzie. I have known them both since kindergarten and first grade :) So thankful.We are going to need all that support as we embark on yet another year of substitute teaching. I will be working at Starbucks again, but will be leaving Wednesday through Friday open for subbing (we get benefits through Sbux so I'll be there at least 20 hours a week). Jason will be full-time subbing this fall. Starting in January he will be starting a program at Portland State to get his special education teaching endorsement. All the classes will eventually transfer to a master's degree...but for now we are going to work towards him getting another certification and area that he can teach in. We are working hard at being content with where we are at. We were hoping and praying that this year would be different for us, but here we go again...We went to the fair this year. It is always fun to watch the shows and people watch...there are a lot of interesting people at the fair (that's a understatement). We watched the acrobats and the hypnotist. We also got to pet some pretty cute little animals:)We have also been enjoying the funny antics of our sweet little kittens...here is a video of them "helping" me make the bed...

"You are still only subbing?"

Well, the school year is almost done, and we are still in the same spot when it comes to teaching jobs for the future. With school district's budgets being stretched there has been a freeze put on the overall hiring process. Jason is doing a lot better at being open minded about our situation...it is hard still waiting. I know that God has great things planned for us, but it sure is hard waiting to see what those things are.

Lately I've been asked this question over and over, "You are still only subbing?" Let me be honest here for a second...there are two words in that short question that have me wondering. First off, 'still.' It is diffidently not our first choice to be substitute teaching. But, it is a job where we get to use the degrees that we went to four plus years of school for. It is one of the least appreciated and challenging jobs I have ever done. You can't be nice it seems or the students walk all over you. So, no we are not 'still' subbing, we are subbing.

Secondly, comes the word 'only.' Again this goes back to the idea that we are choosing to sub rather than have our own classroom (completely untrue). Jason actually had someone ask him if he was taking it "easy," and "just subbing." The reality is, that even though the 'experts' promise more jobs, with each job we apply anywhere from 100-400 other people also applying. In fact this year it has been rumored that many principals won't even get a choice in who they hire; districts will simply move teachers around instead of hiring new. Also, we are not 'only' subbing. We each have had multiple weeks where we work over 50 or 60 hours...I try not to think about the amount of work we are working versus the monetary gain we are able to make.

I am so thankful for my strong, level headed husband, that does not let life's curve-balls strike him down. When I am feeling discouraged he is right there to point me back to the Word, and the promises that Christ made to me, that ALL things will work together for good. I realize that I need to stop waiting for the good and notice the good all around me.

Just a few of the things I am thankful for: